THE BARGAINING

 Almost immediately after making my decision I felt sad, helpless, and full of remorse.

    Had I made the right choice? Did I even have a one? How did it all end up like this? And could I have done anything differently? It was a very confusing and emotional time. With one question answered, there were so many more left trailing behind in its wake.

    Where would I live?  I didn't know a thing about Spokane. Or if I could afford to live there in the first place. Where would I work? I hadn’t really had to interview in so long. And would someone even want to hire me at my age, and with no license? What do I tell my boss? I needed to let her know I was leaving. But I didn’t have a clue as to when. And then there were all those awesome projects on our boards, that I’d yet to finish and see to completion.  They were like my children and it felt a little like I was abandoning them.

    What do I tell my friends? After they supported me through my divorce. What would they think of me?  Would they say I was weak for giving in to my ex? Foolish for leaving Jenn behind? What about all the stuff I’d yet to see and do in downeast Maine? All the places I wanted to visit and adventures I’d planned on having, but never got the chance to do. Or thought I had plenty of time for. Fuck, I hadn’t even had a Jordan Pond House pop-over yet!

    What do I tell my parents? It was bad enough that I had moved to Maine (almost Canada!) now I’d be going all the way across the country. To the west coast?! Where all the earthquakes, forest fires, and vegetarians were. Incidentally, upon hearing the news, my pissed-off mother vowed to never speak to J, “for as long as she f-ing lives!" Meanwhile, my dad hung up the phone with me and immediately e-mailed my ex to congratulate her on the new job.

Yes, I am a product of these two fine humans. Yes, it is something I struggle with daily. No, its not pretty.

    And last but not least, how do I handle this newfound relationship with Jenn? How were we going to get through this? Together, or alone? Working our way through the various stages of grief. Denial and anger had come and gone. It was then that the bargaining began.

    We devised and discarded schemes faster than a teenage girl looking for clothes in her closet. Some of the options we seriously considered included breaking up immediately, having a torrid but temporary love affair, trying the long-distance thing, figuring out a way for me to stay, or for her and the girls to join me. Other not-so-serious options included extortion, contract killing, fake deaths, and accidental (on purpose) drug overdosing.

    Eventually, after weeks of riding the emotional roller-coaster, we settled on a hybrid plan. A scorching hot romance during the time we had remaining, followed by an attempt at a long-distance relationship. It wasn’t ideal, but at least it was a path forward. Deep down, however, I felt like it might be a bit too much to ask of anyone, especially my best friend.

    Later, as her friend (and feeling slightly selfish), I told her that I thought she was making a bad deal. Putting her life on hold for me. She could be with anyone. Why would she choose to be with a guy who’s moving 3000 miles away? Her response was priceless, to the point, and one that sticks with me to this very day.

    “I’m a grown woman. Nobody tells me what to do, or how to do it.” she said as she planted a long, deep, passionate kiss on my lips. “Besides," she whispered in my ear "I’m not doing it for you."

Damn! I knew I liked this girl.